petal circles

I can feel myself struggling to keep clear of too much pink cloud. There’s plenty of moments where I feel the rush of recognizing myself - everything from going to the thrift store for an outfit (even though I chickened out!) to hearing that A told a coworker today! Even making another post tonight gives me the rush.

There’s this other feeling, though - the question about being trans “enough”. Yes, it’s cliche! I started reading the book today even! Yes, You Are Trans Enough! But the moments of doubt weigh heavily, and if I don’t catch them I know they could overwhelm.

Even though it’s been a week and a half, I already can tell that I have less doubt about myself than I did. Previously it was always “am I trans? am I? what if I am? how can I know??” Now, the voice that asks if I’m not is nowhere near as powerful as I would have guessed. Amazing!!!

This evening A and I managed to talk some. They’ve felt pent up about stuff, and getting them to share was a relief. They told me that there’s some stuff they need to work through, but they struggle because they know it’s not stuff they can talk to me about. I’m grateful they recognized that, but it’s so hard that they are so socially independent. They simply don’t have people to talk to about these things. I wish I could point them to a group of some kind, but good lord do I know they wouldn’t take to such a suggestion… from me, at least. They are friendly with coworkers, maybe there’s a chance some of those relationships could help them find that support.

I hate that they feel so alone about this. They have been wonderfully supportive, offering to do makeup on me and stuff, referring to me as “she” to their coworkers, everything! What love, I am so grateful!

I’m watching The Matrix. This movie is so fucking trans, it’s incredible. Cinema!!! I don’t think there’s a normal interaction with a mirror at any point. Lots of reflections! All warped!

I’ve been reflecting more on the post last night, especially about where I was talking about coming out to family.

Something I have always - and I mean always, struggled with, is telling someone something about myself, perhaps a choice I’ve made about my life, or something I’ve discovered about myself, and having it treated as temporary. A phase. It’s inherently dis-affirming, and I expect it out of my parents. I feel like there’s always an expectation of “returning to normalcy”. I could not tell you if this is accurate or not. Maybe there’s some of it, and maybe some of the feeling comes from me picking apart the language one of them will use.

Something that arises, I think in part from this feeling, is the idea that each statement is a promise. This makes sense when it’s for specific actions, like “I can pick you up from the airport.” But to say that “I have a new hobby” and treat that like a promise is simply ridiculous. But I can’t shake it! I feel picked at when there’s any follow up questions. “Do you still talk to…” or “Have you baked anything new?” all can feel like interrogation.

This is tied to my unwillingness to share, to open myself, to expose my soft middle. I’d rather keep just out of view. I fear trying things out, giving something a shot, or just going for a taste of something without making into some kind of commitment. All or nothing.

lol got a jump-scare from this and knew I had to save it. I’m excited for the step of getting on e, but at the same time I know it’s actually a big step - no matter how secret it can feel to take the shot, making it regular is ACTUALLY part of PRESENTING full time! If I am on it, I’ll need to remember to keep up with what’s happening, and ideally even get ahead of it! This is a direct challenge to my typical MO of… not sharing things publicly. Even slightly publicly, like using Asa’s name with a coworker, or telling my mom about even an inconsequential choice I’m making. I’m hopeful that going to trans events and being social with trans people will help make it a smaller pill to swallow. It’s just… there’s so much attention given when something like that is shared. Immediately the situation seems to shift to one of judgment, or if not judgment then simply being acknowledged. But that’s still feels like too much when it’s big! This is something that will affect other people’s lives, even in a small way, and they always seem to make a deal out of that. If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s having a deal made about me. Like James and Maria, from Nevada. Immediately seeking dissociation when things aren’t fully in-pocket.

I’m so James and/or Maria. Yikes.

Today is Sunday, November 9th, 2025. It is my spouse’s birthday. They’re staying in a yurt at the coast and it seems like they’re having a very nice time.

It is one week since I finally let the egg crack and came to accept what I… feared?… for so long. I’m trans.

I have to imagine this is the way a lot of trans people feel at this point, but the world feels like it vibrates with possibility. I’m directly reminded of the pink cloud effect from AA. I’m also at a total loss of what to do now. Re-configuring my life has never been my favorite activity, especially at scale. But I do know that I already feel less disconnected from my body, my inner self, and my future than I have in a long time. I know one of the first things, probably the most urgent thing, is to re-engage in my relationship with A in a big way. There is simply too much that has gone unaddressed for too long, and we’ve both been suffering for it. I don’t know a lot about what transition will look like, but if I can’t do this part I will have a much harder time of it.

Even now, typing into the void, it gives me a rush. Transition. A whole life of a thousand self-fulfillments. Picking a name, changing my body, growing new relationships, and regrowing old ones with my true self. Even the things that would have felt so cringe to say are thrilling to name. I’ve told A about this, of course - they were the one who managed to get me kicking and screaming to admit what I knew for so long. I also told one of my coworkers, actually one of my staff. He’s trans too, and we’ve had plenty of nice chattering sessions that I felt like I should clear the air before I said anything that would sound weird or confusing from a cis person. That was one of the first big thrills. I can’t believe how good it felt to come out to someone, someone I knew I could trust to be entirely cool about it. And he was! He asked if I had a name he could call me (too scared about it being overheard at work), and he pointed me to the local queer events calendar. And I went to one today! T4T coffee hour at the Worker’s Tap. It was, again, thrilling. I took the bus, and slowly came to realize that there were three other trans people, all of whom I could tell were going too. I managed to not get too frantic and totally flake, but the one real crowd I saw was in too tight of a seating area for the size and I felt too shy to squeeze in any harder. After a while I went inside for more coffee and ended up parked at a table reading my book until I left.

Another big thing I could name is my beard. I’ve worn a beard, continuously, since 2011. Two years back I trimmed it down to stubble, just to see what was underneath. I hated it. I was so incredibly off put by it that I grew it back out starting that day. But this week… I shaved it. I buzzed it off and then razor shaved. And I did it again this morning, ahead of the coffee hour. It feels shockingly different this time. And every time I see my reflection, it’s obvious why: I’m not trying to hide from the person in that mirror. She’s not being hidden, either. She’s happy to be here and very glad to look back at me - at us.

What a week!!!!

My girl Maria got me inspired to set this up. Of course, I decided to make it more complicated than I needed because I’m a crank.