petal circles

I can feel myself struggling to keep clear of too much pink cloud. There’s plenty of moments where I feel the rush of recognizing myself - everything from going to the thrift store for an outfit (even though I chickened out!) to hearing that A told a coworker today! Even making another post tonight gives me the rush.

There’s this other feeling, though - the question about being trans “enough”. Yes, it’s cliche! I started reading the book today even! Yes, You Are Trans Enough! But the moments of doubt weigh heavily, and if I don’t catch them I know they could overwhelm.

Even though it’s been a week and a half, I already can tell that I have less doubt about myself than I did. Previously it was always “am I trans? am I? what if I am? how can I know??” Now, the voice that asks if I’m not is nowhere near as powerful as I would have guessed. Amazing!!!

This evening A and I managed to talk some. They’ve felt pent up about stuff, and getting them to share was a relief. They told me that there’s some stuff they need to work through, but they struggle because they know it’s not stuff they can talk to me about. I’m grateful they recognized that, but it’s so hard that they are so socially independent. They simply don’t have people to talk to about these things. I wish I could point them to a group of some kind, but good lord do I know they wouldn’t take to such a suggestion… from me, at least. They are friendly with coworkers, maybe there’s a chance some of those relationships could help them find that support.

I hate that they feel so alone about this. They have been wonderfully supportive, offering to do makeup on me and stuff, referring to me as “she” to their coworkers, everything! What love, I am so grateful!

I’m watching The Matrix. This movie is so fucking trans, it’s incredible. Cinema!!! I don’t think there’s a normal interaction with a mirror at any point. Lots of reflections! All warped!