petal circles

On tenterhooks all morning before my appointment but I got the prescription! Ready tomorrow and then it’s over for you hoes

I’m at the Hollywood for a couple movies - two John Woo flicks, The Killer and Hard Boiled. John Woo’s stuff has always been a blind spot for me, so I’m excited to get these both under my belt on the big screen.

This place is so great, I love volunteering here. Free movies, infinite snacks and bevs, and the camaraderie can’t be beat. This is definitely somewhere I look forward to coming out, because I know everyone will back me the fuck up. I am still getting used to thinking of myself as a woman! I keep doing silly stuff like referring to myself as a guy. I figure it’ll get more straightforward the more I do things like present as a woman in public. Much of my “masculine” presentation has simply been from not challenging the default perception of myself - big, hairy, and casually disheveled tends to do that.

I was listening to an episode of SRSLY WRONG earlier, my dearly beloved podcast. It keeps helping me to remember about the wonderful non-traditional library projects I’m aware of in Portland. The tool libraries are the obvious ones, but finding out about the kayak library was so fucking exciting and I’m looking forward to that for next year. I feel like there’s got to be more out there that I’m missing. Besides that, I would love to see a city or county grant program for these kinds of orgs, god knows how far $5k would go for something like them.

out at the coffee shop for some tippy tappy laptop time, drinking a tasty lil macchiato and having a good quiet morning. Left A asleep in bed and got a hot shower and shave. Don’t particularly enjoy shaving but it feels less burdensome, and the result is more pleasing than it used to be for sure.

I’m really still not over how different it feels to be able to look at my bald face without feeling intensely bad and weird about it! Wish I had thought that the feeling might be dysphoria so many years ago.

I can feel myself struggling to keep clear of too much pink cloud. There’s plenty of moments where I feel the rush of recognizing myself - everything from going to the thrift store for an outfit (even though I chickened out!) to hearing that A told a coworker today! Even making another post tonight gives me the rush.

There’s this other feeling, though - the question about being trans “enough”. Yes, it’s cliche! I started reading the book today even! Yes, You Are Trans Enough! But the moments of doubt weigh heavily, and if I don’t catch them I know they could overwhelm.

Even though it’s been a week and a half, I already can tell that I have less doubt about myself than I did. Previously it was always “am I trans? am I? what if I am? how can I know??” Now, the voice that asks if I’m not is nowhere near as powerful as I would have guessed. Amazing!!!

This evening A and I managed to talk some. They’ve felt pent up about stuff, and getting them to share was a relief. They told me that there’s some stuff they need to work through, but they struggle because they know it’s not stuff they can talk to me about. I’m grateful they recognized that, but it’s so hard that they are so socially independent. They simply don’t have people to talk to about these things. I wish I could point them to a group of some kind, but good lord do I know they wouldn’t take to such a suggestion… from me, at least. They are friendly with coworkers, maybe there’s a chance some of those relationships could help them find that support.

I hate that they feel so alone about this. They have been wonderfully supportive, offering to do makeup on me and stuff, referring to me as “she” to their coworkers, everything! What love, I am so grateful!

I’m watching The Matrix. This movie is so fucking trans, it’s incredible. Cinema!!! I don’t think there’s a normal interaction with a mirror at any point. Lots of reflections! All warped!

I’ve been reflecting more on the post last night, especially about where I was talking about coming out to family.

Something I have always - and I mean always, struggled with, is telling someone something about myself, perhaps a choice I’ve made about my life, or something I’ve discovered about myself, and having it treated as temporary. A phase. It’s inherently dis-affirming, and I expect it out of my parents. I feel like there’s always an expectation of “returning to normalcy”. I could not tell you if this is accurate or not. Maybe there’s some of it, and maybe some of the feeling comes from me picking apart the language one of them will use.

Something that arises, I think in part from this feeling, is the idea that each statement is a promise. This makes sense when it’s for specific actions, like “I can pick you up from the airport.” But to say that “I have a new hobby” and treat that like a promise is simply ridiculous. But I can’t shake it! I feel picked at when there’s any follow up questions. “Do you still talk to…” or “Have you baked anything new?” all can feel like interrogation.

This is tied to my unwillingness to share, to open myself, to expose my soft middle. I’d rather keep just out of view. I fear trying things out, giving something a shot, or just going for a taste of something without making into some kind of commitment. All or nothing.